I've set up several blogs. My first blog was my journey trying to conceive. Of course, it didn't happen. I started my first round of Clomid and had to stop. My back pain had become unbearable. I had to get back on pain medication and I would not risk getting pregnant while on medication that could harm my unborn child. A few months later, I had back surgery to remove part of a bulging disc pressing against a nerve. I thought I could continue trying to conceive, but the pain didn't end. I'm still on the pain medication, I had the surgery February 11, 2010.
After that, I didn't feel like continuing the blog. Continuing to write about a path I was no longer taking.. I just couldn't.
A couple months after the surgery, after the realization that my dreams of a child would have to be put on hold, my world shattered. My oldest brother, my half-brother, my abuser, but my sibling-that I loved, no matter what he did-died. He died in an accident that killed three others, leaving my niece nearly unscathed (physically, that is).
After that, I thought I'd start another blog. I didn't keep up with it though, the pain was still so new. Fresh. Raw. I couldn't talk. I couldn't really put my feelings out there for anyone. I thought I'd be able to express it to myself, just like words printed on paper, but I couldn't. Not for long.
So here I am, starting again. Trying to get those emotions out. Trying to get the words out of my head and into something else. Things I've held inside, only to myself, need to come out. I know they'll still be inside. Somewhere, deep inside, they'll never truly escape. But if I can get them out, sort through them, talk about them.. Well, I think I'll be free of some of the things I feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment