This semester..

SUCKED! This semester I had to get my medications increased because the pressure of school was getting to me. I had to drop all of my classes-but one. I had my first nervous breakdown. I know, I know. I thought I had had nervous breakdowns before. I really, really thought I had. And you realize, as you lie in the fetal position, crying, screaming, generally trying to form words but just slobbering for more than 2 hours, THIS is a nervous breakdown.

I found out my grandmother had Alzheimer's disease, the same day as my mother was admitted into hospital with a bad skin infection. The second anniversary of my brother's death on April 9th was worse for us than it was last year. A few days ago, one of my other brothers' best friend and the "fifth child of the family" had an issue with a heart condition, causing his heart to stop. Luckily he had made it to the hospital, by this point. My mom and I shared wordless glances with each other but we both talked later about it: my dad is not dealing with my brother's death at all-how would he deal with it if something happened to the "adopted son."

Now, off to studying.. possibly. Until I get caught up on another site.

First post, newest blog

I've set up several blogs. My first blog was my journey trying to conceive. Of course, it didn't happen. I started my first round of Clomid and had to stop. My back pain had become unbearable. I had to get back on pain medication and I would not risk getting pregnant while on medication that could harm my unborn child. A few months later, I had back surgery to remove part of a bulging disc pressing against a nerve. I thought I could continue trying to conceive, but the pain didn't end. I'm still on the pain medication, I had the surgery February 11, 2010.

After that, I didn't feel like continuing the blog. Continuing to write about a path I was no longer taking.. I just couldn't.

A couple months after the surgery, after the realization that my dreams of a child would have to be put on hold, my world shattered. My oldest brother, my half-brother, my abuser, but my sibling-that I loved, no matter what he did-died. He died in an accident that killed three others, leaving my niece nearly unscathed (physically, that is).

After that, I thought I'd start another blog. I didn't keep up with it though, the pain was still so new. Fresh. Raw. I couldn't talk. I couldn't really put my feelings out there for anyone. I thought I'd be able to express it to myself, just like words printed on paper, but I couldn't. Not for long.

So here I am, starting again. Trying to get those emotions out. Trying to get the words out of my head and into something else. Things I've held inside, only to myself, need to come out. I know they'll still be inside. Somewhere, deep inside, they'll never truly escape. But if I can get them out, sort through them, talk about them.. Well, I think I'll be free of some of the things I feel.